Cromulent
by antomec
Summary: [adj] Appearing legitimate but actually being spurious. Or that one time where Natsu has to beg Lucy to act as his girlfriend for a single night. Nalu, oneshot, fake-dating AU. Rated T for swearing. Written for @iwillbethelionhearted 's birthday.


_Happy birthday to AzaleaFields! She has some really cool edits, so you should all check out her blog [iwillbethelionhearted on Tumblr]!_

 _Reviews are appreciated as fuck, so don't be shy!_

* * *

Natsu knows the moment he simultaneously fucked up and somehow did himself a favour. It was a bright, sunny day and he had just skipped class to go pester Gray at his tattoo parlour. His shoelace had come undone and he had kneeled to tie it up, and something suddenly blocked the sun.

When he looks up, he sees a girl. He gets up to his feet and flashes her a smile. "Hello!" he says.

She's smaller than him, but he is also monstrously tall, so he supposes it isn't fair for him to say that. She has brown hair tied up in a ponytail, and huge-ass eyes. Her face is beet-red as she stammers out, "I-I really like you, Natsu! Go out with me tonight!"

Natsu screams internally.

* * *

When Lucy steps into her apartment, she isn't shocked to see Natsu lying face-down on her couch. He does it often enough that she's surprised to not see him there. She chuckles when he lets loose a long moan. "What is it this time?" she asks.

"Lucy, I messed up. Big time." Natsu turns his face toward her, and she goes to sit in her very comfy pink armchair. Lucy scoffs and answers, "You'll need to be more specific, Natsu. Especially considering the things you do on a daily basis."

He snorts at her and mumbled something too low for her to hear, so she yells at him to speak up. This time, she figures out what he says.

"We need to go out. Tonight."

Lucy can feel herself going red, but she forces herself to stay calm. He probably doesn't mean what she thinks he means.

"Like, on a date," he clarifies.

Lucy's pretty sure she just combusted. She doesn't hear anything for at least three seconds after because she's dead. Completely knocked out.

Natsu scrambles to his knees in a frenzy. "It's not what you think it is!" He nearly yells. "This girl came up to me today while I was popping over to Gray's, and she told me she wanted to go out with me, and I didn't want to go out with her but I also didn't want to hurt her feelings so I panicked and I told her I had a girlfriend!" Lucy's pretty sure he's never spoken this much in a single breath and sure enough, he's wheezing on the couch.

When Lucy stares at him with extremely wide eyes – for fuck's sake, she didn't expect to be asked out by her best friend in such a stupid way – and he falters, and Natsu meekly says, "I'm sorry, Lucy, and it's completely okay if you don't wanna come. I'll get Erza or Levy to-"

"I don't want you murdered, "Lucy interrupts. "Because let's face it, Erza will murder you, and Gajeel will assist. I don't want to bury my best friend at 23."

They stare at each other for a good while and wait for the words to sink in. Lucy decides to speak, only for Natsu to start at the same time.

"Why do I have to go out with-"

"So, does that mean you'll-?"

They giggle, and Natsu bows his head. "You first."

"Why do I have to go out with you tonight? I thought you already told her you can't go out with her."

Natsu's face falls. "Well, uh," he drawls, "She didn't believe it."

"What?"

"I know, I know. And then she challenged me – told me to bring my girlfriend to this fancy place downtown to prove it to her. And she wanted it to be tonight so that I couldn't wiggle my way out of it."

"You don't really have to do this, you know," Lucy tells him. Honestly, she sometimes wishes she could slam one of her textbooks on his head. "It's just as easy to call her out on her bullshit and be done with it."

"Do you not want to go, Lucy?"

She's caught like a deer in front of headlights. How does she explain that the first time she goes out with him on something that seems vaguely like an actual date is something that she does not want to be based on a dare?

"Of course I do, dummy. Pick me up at 7," she says with a flippant grin.

Simple. Don't tell him.

* * *

Levy is one comment away from getting smacked.

Lucy tries to rein in her violent urges, but it gets harder with every passing second. Lucy holds up two dresses to her neck and asks, not for the first time, "Which one looks better on me?"

"Lu, you look amazing," answers Levy. Lucy makes a face and Levy quickly adds, "But I'd definitely say go for the pink one."

Lucy holds the mentioned dress closer to her body and looks in the mirror. The dress is boat-necked and falls to her knees. Lucy won't admit it, but she thinks she looks pretty good in this dress.

"Alright," Lucy exclaims. "Let's get to work on my hair."

Levy snickers. "Someone's eager to go out with Natsu."

Lucy doesn't hesitate to smack Levy this time.

* * *

When Natsu arrives at the restaurant, he looks around suspiciously. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's a tiny bit scared of running into the girl from before. The restaurant Natsu's at demanded a dress code, so he had to borrow Gray's dinner jacket to wear. Gray hadn't let him go without giving Natsu shit for it though.

"I hope he gets run over by a bus," Natsu mutters.

"Natsu!" At the sound of his name, Natsu whirls around. Instead of seeing Lucy like he had hoped, it's the girl from before running joyously toward him.

She's done something to her hair so that it falls in brown curls to her shoulders. She's wearing minimal makeup and an _extremely_ form-fitting black dress. She's probably trying to impress him, but all Natsu can think of is how good Lucy would look in black. He goes pink at the thought, and the girl before him doesn't miss it. She smirks and asks, "Where's your _girlfriend_?"

Natsu doesn't falter. He grins at her, and says, "Lucy's running a bit late. She'll be here, don't worry."

She purses her lips together in disdain, and says, "Her loss, then." She grabs his hand and pulls him along to a table. Natsu's usually very friendly to new people, but this girl was annoying the fuck out of him.

She seats herself and gestures for him to do the same. He does so, foot briefly getting caught in the tablecloth, but he shakes his leg free and looks at her with an amiable smile. "Don't take this the wrong way," Natsu starts, "but I have absolutely no idea what your name is."

She blanches at his comment but takes it as gracefully as she can. "I figured something like this would happen. You can call me Maria. Anyway, tell me more about you, Natsu." She smiles at him toothily.

Natsu nods at her question. He starts bobbing his knees in anticipation, but Maria isn't letting up. He's backed into a corner and Natsu feels trapped. "Well, I have a sister."

"A sister? Wow, how old is she?" Maria is over-enthusiastic – mainly because Natsu can see the path that her hand is making across the table toward him. Natsu's praying for Lucy to arrive as quick as she can.

"She's fifteen. Name's Wendy."

"And she's the sweetest girl to have ever existed on the planet. Isn't that right, Natsu?"

Natsu knows by the sound of her voice that it's Lucy speaking those words, but Maria confirms it when she makes a strangled sound in the back of her throat and pulls her hand back like she's been burned. Natsu gets up fluidly, turns around and doesn't hesitate to hug Lucy with all his might. "Thanks for coming," he whispers into her ear.

"Free food and a chance to piss someone off. Why wouldn't I come?" Lucy whispers back with all the glee of someone wanting to fuck things up.

Maria clears her throat loudly, certainly not liking their display of tame affection, and Natsu lets go of Lucy. His eyes travel down her body and they nearly pop out. SHe's dressed in pink and black heels, and Natsu tells her, "You look great."

Lucy grins at him and Maria clears her throat even louder.

Lucy glances at her, and Natsu suddenly feels like she just passed a declaration of war with the way Maria's eyes narrow dangerously. Wanting to break the tension, he quickly waves a hand towards both girls and introduces them. "Maria, this is my girlfriend Lucy. Lucy, this is...um...Maria," he finishes lamely.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Maria," Lucy says sweetly.

"And you," Maria answers scathingly.

Natsu's unfortunately seated between the two girls, and he feels like he's caught between two lionesses trying to stake their claim.

* * *

The waiter sets down their desserts, and Natsu looks at him pleadingly. _Get me out of here_ , he thinks, _these two are going to eat me up_.

The waiter shakes his head at him, and Natsu can nearly hear him say, _that's rough, buddy_.

"So, Natsu," Lucy says, and Natsu whips his head back to her. "How about we call it a night?"

"But we have so much more to talk about. Don't we, Natsu?" Maria interrupts. She has her face turned towards Natsu, but her eyes are narrowed at Lucy.

Diplomatically, Natsu answers, "How about we leave after dessert?"

Both girls seem satisfied by his answer and Natsu slowly lets out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.

Natsu holds his glass up and looks at Lucy over the rim. She was standing her ground with Maria, and Natsu had never been prouder. Lucy wasn't the type to back down from a fight, and she wasn't pulling any punches tonight.

Is it just him or is Lucy trying to inhale that lava cake? Natsu shifts his eyes toward Maria. No, compared to her, Lucy really did seem as though she was scarfing it down. Maybe she was tired of this charade they were playing.

Natsu puts his glass down. "Maria, thank you for the dinner tonight, but now that you've understood that I do actually have a girlfriend, we'll be taking our leave." He tries smiling apologetically but his guilt at lying to her keeps making its way to the surface.

"I can be a better girlfriend than her," Maria sneers.

"Fuck no, you won't," Lucy snaps. "You know why? 'Cause we're leaving." She gets up, and Natsu numbly watches her grab his hand. She pulls them along and much to Natsu's surprise – who was he kidding, this is all happening too fast for him to follow – she turns around and jabs a finger into Maria's chest. "If I ever see you even _ten_ feet near him again, I will destroy you." She grins wickedly at her, grabs her purse and then tugs him out the door.

They're nearly at the bus stop when Natsu's back to his senses. "Well, that went well."

Lucy looks at him shocked, and Natsu chuckles at her face. Lucy giggles with him, and soon enough they fall to pieces.

"Did you see the look on her face?" Natsu asks. "She was so startled!"

Lucy laughs harder at his words and seeing that they were at the bus stop already, collapsed onto the bench. She patted the seat beside her with a look towards Natsu. Natsu obligingly sat down and held her hand without a second thought. Lucy made no show of even registering it.

"Natsu," Lucy says. "I was thinking-"

"Oh no."

"Shut up, you fool, and let me finish."

"Fine, fine, go on already."

"I was thinking – now that you've been on a really crappy date, would you like to go on an actual one with me?"

"You mean _another_ crappy date?" Natsu smart-mouths.

"Yes, Natsu. I'm inviting you on another crappy date with me. It'll be the worst date ever and you'll love it."

Natsu looks at her incredulously. He supposed all the years she spent with him must have rubbed off on her for her to be able to make such demands with a straight face.

"Well?" she reiterates. Her brow furrows in anticipation.

"Okay," he says simply. He smiles at her, and almost as if his smile triggered it, Lucy lunges at him. The next thing he knows is her lips pressing insistently at his. He doesn't waste time trying to reason and instead returns the action fondly.

When they part, the bus is pulling up next to them, and Lucy's wearing the hugest grin he's ever seen. Natsu thinks it might be the leftover adrenaline from the kiss before, but he asks her, "Wanna start our crappy date now?"

Lucy kisses him once more and nods her head excitedly.

* * *

 _Ten points to anyone who can figure out the ATLA reference!_


End file.
